Time to Let Go - part 2 (November 2011)

In part 1 of my message for you (Time to Let Go - Part 1) I explored some of the elements that we tend to hold onto in life: Perspectives, People, and Possessions.  I also touched on what it feels like to finally let go. This time let's consider why we find it so hard to let go.

Why do we find it so hard to let go?

There are many answers to this question. "Saving face", not "loosing", and protecting our ego in the face of criticism or someone else's perspectives are some of the fears that have us hold onto our PERSPECTIVES. Subconsciously we may fear not being accepted, and ultimately being alone. Yet there is a gift for us in letting someone else be right. It allows us to listen to them more deeply, and builds mutual trust.

Letting go of a PERSON is hard because of our fundamental need for nurture, which comes from basic childhood needs. Even in a dysfunctional relationship, where our needs for nurture are clearly not being met, there is still hope simmering deep within that those needs will be met, and therefore we hang on in there, rather than let go and move on. In relationships our positive projections and hope-filled stories can sometimes cloud our picture of reality. We may see this person as someone who will "rescue" us, or make us"complete" in some way. Letting go also means grieving the failure of a relationship, which is hard to do, so we avoid the parting.

Why do we stay stuck and in pain?

To go requires us to grieve the failure or loss, which we avoid. Yet, the ability to grieve is the built in resource we have as humans for dealing with loss. Allowing ourselves to feel; to express our Sadness (about what has been taken away or has ended), our Anger (at who took it, or at the situation), our Fear (that it will never be replaced) helps it move from something overwhelming to something more bearable. The purpose of grief is to externalise and express these emotions so we can eventually get to a place of rest. When that happens, the loss you are grieving becomes a fact, about which you are wistful, perhaps nostalgic, and you can now go on. We can't force the speed of this recovery, but processing our feelings rather than neglecting or denying them can help us move through the pain towards true release.

The process of letting go can be made more difficult due to old pain we are still carrying from past loses not fully grieved. When we are experiencing fresh loss it's strength and impact on us can be increased considerably by past losses that have not yet been given full expression. That is why it is so important to grieve our losses in the present. At a recent workshop I attended, David Richo talked about letting our loss "cry itself to sleep".

In his book "How to be an Adult - a handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration", he lists twenty-six "Givens" of Relationships (aka Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations). I'm sharing five of those with you today and hope they help you on your journey to letting go. I encourage you to read the others - and reflect on the ones that have most meaning for you:

No one person will make you happy, keep you fascinated, love you as

your favourite parent did, or give you the love you missed from

your parents (I'm removing my rose-tinted specs now ...)

Most people in relationships seldom know what they really want, ask

for what they really want, or show what they really feel

(oh dear..!)

No truly loving relationship takes away - nor can take away - even

one of your basic human rights

"Goodbye" is rarely said clearly; most people ease away wordlessly

and avoid full confrontation

A relationship is a spiritual path since it consists of a continual shedding of illusions

In gratitude for the continual learning that life and relationships bring me,

Until next time ...

Alison
 write to me at alison@gaincoaching.com It's always great to hear your thoughts about your message.

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Previous Messages

  Time to Let Go - Part 1

  Choose Your Mode

  Gaining Wisdom, Gaining Years

  Walk this Way

  Make your Mark

  Your Year

  Relationship Ripples

  Facets of Friendship - Part 2 - Chemistry

  Facets of Friendship - Part 1

  Being your own Coach

  Expand Your Life

  Patterns

  Losses, Gains & Gratitude

  Getting Your Sparkle Back

  Seasons for Change