Relationship Ripples (November 2009)
Hi You. The focus for your November message is a continuation on the theme of relationships. This time I am shinning the reflective beam onto your relationship with your “significant other”.
I notice that in the past year I have become increasingly interested in learning more about relationship dynamics. The interest began with starting to explore my “shadow side”. This required me to swallow a sizeable courage pill for me to even admit I had a shadow, let alone take a peak at it. All wrapped up in my “rightness” and positive intents, it had been easier to place responsibility on the other person for the ripples that sometimes rocked the boat of our relationship. More recently though I have been, and still am, reading a range of wise perspectives on relationships. I am using what I learn to work on myself within my own relationship, and I share my learning with coaching clients as appropriate. I find that there are many applications for what I am discovering; in work place relationships, and relationships between children and parents, as well as with our partner/spouse. In this short message I can only cover snippets of my learning, so I do encourage you to buy the books.
On love …
Much has been written about romantic love being a phase we go through in the earlier stages of a relationship. David Richo, in his book “How to be an Adult in Relationships” suggests that love is “not so much a feeling as a way of being present” in our relationship. This is a new perspective for me, and it makes sense to me. David says this way of being present shows up in our behaviour towards the other person, and specifically to what extent we give them:
David fully describes each of the 5 As in a way it’s easy to check in with ourselves, or get feedback from our partner on how we are doing. I reflected on how I show up in my relationship and decided I needed to work on giving more Attention.
I believe that the 5As are fundamentally important in being lovingly present as a parent as well as a partner. One of my clients tried out an example of “Attention” given in the book, which was treating the question your child has just asked you as if it was a question you had been waiting for all your life. That level of rapt attention gives such strong validation to the child and works wonders for their self esteem. It certainly worked for his son, and has enhanced his confidence as well as created a far stronger bond between them.
As adults we are often subconsciously wanting our partner to provide one or more of the 5As we didn’t get in our childhood. This is a challenge as we often lack self awareness of these unmet needs, and they can express themselves in our key relationships as "child-like" behaviours. It is tough for the other party to be expected to fulfil our childhood need, and even tougher when neither of us is aware that is the dynamic at play.
On arguments ..
John Gottman in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work“ suggests that it’s OK and natural to argue. I’m relieved to read that as I find it amazing when elderly couples get interviewed on what makes their marriage successful and say “we’ve never said a harsh word to one another in our lives”. That’s not been my life experience so far!
John & his colleagues have extensively researched marriages, following seven hundred couples in seven different studies. His Seven Principles that prevent marriage break ups are therefore research based rather than opinion based. I’m not going to list the Seven Principles, as listing them as headers within this small article doesn’t do them justice.
Interesting statistic! Research shows that in relationships that last, the ratio of positive to negative behaviour during conflict is 5:1. Positive behaviours are things like listening, empathy, showing interest. Negative behaviours include criticising, showing contempt, stonewalling. In relationships that ended in divorce, the ratio is 0.8:1. A wake up call for us all to think before we launch that harsh word that it will require five positive words or behaviours to erradicate the damage of that one harsh word or deed!
Based on extensive research on conflict resolution within successful marriages, John’s steps fall within Principle 5 of his Seven Principles, "Solve your Solvable Problems" and are:
1. Soften your start up
2. Learn to give and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each others faults.
You really do need to read the book to get the full value of what sits behind each of these steps, and the Seven Principles. The research is fascinating. It’s a very practical book with lots of examples of real dialogue, and plenty options to try within your own relationship.
I hope this taster for some of the great work and wisdom available to help us with our key relationships has whetted your appetite to find out more (and no, I don’t get commission on book sales!).
Alison
write to me at alison@gaincoaching.com
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Previous Messages
Facets of Friendship - Part 2 - Chemistry
Facets of Friendship - Part 1
Being your own Coach
Expand Your Life
Patterns
Losses, Gains & Gratitude
Getting Your Sparkle Back
Seasons for Change
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